


you can see it in my eyes (i don't wanna die)

by bakedgarnet



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: APSGAU, Angst, F/F, Pearlnet, author pearl/stripper garnet au, broody pearl, mention of suicide, pearl is essentially a sugar daddy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-01 14:28:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8628079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakedgarnet/pseuds/bakedgarnet
Summary: In which Pearl is an award winning author recently moved to Chicago after a near-tragedy. She is nearing the end of her most anticipated novel with a deadline from the publication company quickly approaching. Only she’s trapped in the most infuriating writer’s block yet, and heads to a popular strip club of all places for inspiration. There she meets Garnet, a college student just trying to pay her tuition that completely exudes life. Perhaps she’s just the woman Pearl needs to spark her creativity once more.





	1. Greetings

In the midst of unpacking, traveling, and securing her future in Chicago, Pearl hadn't picked up her journal in about two months. She hadn't thought of a single tantalizing metaphor nor a solitary, mind melting plot line in twice as long. Her artistic voice had run dry.

 

Light on her feet, she glided through her new apartment with a lilting hum in the back of her throat to the tune of a song yet to be written. Her arms floated at her sides as her fingers moved to the melody in her throat and the story idea building in her head.

 

Her movements gradually slowed to a halt, though, as her eyes landed on the taunting book of her scribbles. The mere sight of it forced her inspiration down her throat and choked the lovely song and inspiration until they both died on her tongue. It didn't help that the last twenty pages were filled with remnants of her shoddy mental state, evoked two years ago after a particularly nasty relapse…

 

She didn't like to dwell on it.

 

Harshly breaking her gaze away from her journal, she turned in the opposite direction and resumed her humming, trying to conjure character personalities that went with the haunting melody to get her creative mind going.

 

Looking for nonexistent messes as she went, she pulled a lone cigarette from behind her ear with a distracted ease that came with practice. Her other hand was already waiting with a lit lighter, and soon she was inhaling a long drag of smoke.

 

She slipped the blue lighter back into her shirt pocket.

 

Just something to take the edge off.

 

That she could quit whenever she wanted to is what she liked to tell herself. Well, her therapist _had_ told her to find ways to take control of her life.

 

Lying to herself was close enough.

 

Two hours and three cigarettes later found Pearl in front of her computer screen, which was glowing obscenely bright in the growing darkness of the living room. Her lanky legs curled beneath her body, perched on the couch as she stared with blank eyes at the equally blank page of the word document. That blinking line in the upper left corner of the page seemed to taunt her.

 

_Type something. Anything._

 

Bloodshot blue eyes scanned the previous pages written, yet, for the life of her, she could not get past the block that had formed at this point in the story. She released a frustrated grunt and harshly put her cigarette out in the ashtray atop her coffee table. The laptop was abruptly shut with a sharp _snick_ that she would probably worry over tomorrow morning.

* * *

“P, I’ve literally watched you write entire fucking masterpieces in less than a week. You can totally get this book written before your deadline. Just take a break from it for a day or two and come back.” Amethyst shrugged from her position on Pearl’s cream colored couch.

 

One of her legs and arms dangled off the side while her head lolled over to face her tall friend with lidded brown eyes. She reminded Pearl so much of a lazy cat that she almost cracked a smile.

 

Almost.

 

“Amethyst.” Pearl sighed, her tone reminiscent of an exasperated school teacher explaining for the fifth time to a child that monsters were, in fact, not real.

 

Her thin fingers found their way to her oily forehead with frustration, absently reminding herself to wash her face before she did anything else.

 

“It’s not that _simple_. There’s planning to be done— stars, I’m not even sure I’m satisfied with what I have written already. Am I supposed to keep building some words on top of a foundation I’ll end up tearing down in the end? What’s the point?” The pale woman lamented, pacing back and forth on the opposite end of the coffee table with a faraway look in her light eyes.

 

Amethyst always found it amusing how Pearl consistently made the analogy of building a machine or house when talking about her writing. She did _not_ find it amusing, however, when Pearl talked to her like a child.

 

“What the hell are ya writin’ about anyway?” Amethyst sighed, dropping her head back down against the couch cushion and gazing up at the high, white ceiling.

 

Pearl’s posture perked up a bit at the question and she began explaining with even more hand movements than usual.

 

“A woman on the edge of survival. She lives with no regard for her own life— almost as if she has a death wish. She gets as close to dying as possible before she realizes she _doesn’t_ want to die. She was just searching for a reason to live. It’s this tragic beauty, both the story and the woman. I just can’t— I don’t know how to write that moment she realizes she has so much to live for.” Pearl ended with her hands dropped to her side and a defeated sigh.

 

Amethyst snorted despite herself.

 

“What, hit too close to home for ya?”

 

Blue eyes snapped to her lounging guest with a cutting glare that instantly had Amethyst shrinking back into the couch.  


“Eh… too soon?” She had a feeling the words were a huge, blinking red _‘NO’_ before she’d said them.

 

She really needed to work on her tact.

 

Amethyst seemed to be reminded of that every time she was around Pearl.

 

“Um, anyway, maybe you should try meeting different people and getting inspiration from them?” Amethyst tried again, trailing off into a question.

 

Pearl seemed to mull over her words for a long moment as she stared out of her open window.

 

“Where though?” She seemed to ask more herself than Amethyst.

 

The shorter woman shifted into a sitting position on the couch and shrugged one shoulder.

 

“I dunno… First place _I’d_ try is that strip club over on Lawrence. The Diamond Court? I got a friend who works there and, from what she’s told me, there’s a shit ton of women over there with all types of… interesting personalities.”

 

Pearl turned to look in Amethyst’s general direction from over her bony shoulder and stroked the side of her own face as she seemed to ponder the idea. Suddenly, those blue eyes snapped up to meet wide brown ones.

 

“What time do they open?”

 

* * *

The pulsating bass of the music added an even further sensuality to the dim, red tinted lighting and smoky atmosphere. Pearl’s long legs carried her past the unexpectedly buff bouncer after presenting her ID, a six foot three woman with vitiligo and striking hazel eyes.

 

The way she leered at Pearl sent an unnerved shiver down her spine.

 

She slowly made her way through the early crowd, not quite sure where to put her hands and far too nervous to even pretend to look suave. Pearl had never set foot in a strip club, and the sight of so many stunning women sent her palms into a sweat and her heart beat into unsteady _ga-lumps._

 

She swallowed heavily and swiveled her head in search of the bar. She needed a drink— liquid courage, as Amethyst called it.

 

She found a tall woman behind the bar with a head full of curls and skin that reminded Pearl of smooth peanut butter. She had a focused glint in her eyes as she moved, her slender hands seeming to blur as she put on a show of mixing drinks and serving them up.

 

Pearl found herself momentarily fascinated before she remembered what she was doing standing there to begin with. She gingerly sat down on one of the few unoccupied stools and waited until the slender, toned bartender served up a row of iridescent colored shots with a flourish to five men in business suits. They released a round of hoots and cheers at the end of her show, and shortly after, Pearl found herself face to face with the impressive woman.

 

“What can I getcha tonight?” The bartender asked with a charming grin and raspy voice that further fueled Pearl’s nerves.

 

She stumbled over her words for a moment before finally getting the sentence out.

 

“Can I have a vodka and tonic? On the rocks.” She asked, proud of herself for not freezing up.

 

The bartender made her drink with a swiftness and prowess that put the bartenders at the run down clubs Pearl used to visit to shame. Without much wait at all, Pearl was picking up the cold glass and bringing it to her lips to down it like water. Were anyone watching, they might have shown concern toward her ease of gulping down alcohol, but no one was looking at her.

 

She was invisible for now.

 

The warmth budding in her chest and fog beginning to touch at the edge of her mind with lulling fingers sent her nerves into oblivion. Pearl set the cup, filled with nothing but ice, back down on the counter. She stood and meandered over to one of the plush, black leather seats surrounding the stage. Pearl sank into the delightful cushion and crossed her legs to watch the current dancer.

 

Her long, wavy hair was just as iridescent as those shots served up at the bar, and her corset seemed to be made of holographic nylon material. The woman’s legs went on for miles and curled around the pole with a gracefulness and strength that reminded Pearl of her days at the Academy of Ballet. The dancer’s eyes were hooded as she performed, the perfect seductress in her dramatic curves. When that performance was over, an announcer’s voice carried loud enough to hear but low enough not to disturb the mood, “ _Rainbow Quartz, everybody!”_

 

Some top 100 song bumped over the speakers while the crowd waited for the next dancer, and Pearl’s long fingers drummed against the arm chair. Eyes scanned the women strutting about the room, but eventually she found her gaze drawn to the patrons. Middle aged men of surprisingly diverse ethnicities— all middle to upper class, she’d imagine. Perhaps most were just getting off of work, considering their fanciful attire and the time of night. Pearl’s eyes wandered down to her own oversized leather jacket and worn blue jeans with a slight frown. Maybe she should have taken Amethyst’s advice and dressed her pay grade. At least then she wouldn't _look_ so out of place, regardless of how much she felt it.

 

She swallowed, suddenly wishing she had another drink to occupy her hands with. Pearl caught a pair of long, tan legs from the corner of her eye and looked up just in time to be greeted by a thin, warm skinned woman. The short, feathery hair atop her head seemed black in the darkness of the club, but when a spotlight swooped over it to make its way to the stage Pearl saw its deep blue color. Her eyes were also a startling color of blue, but upon closer inspection they seemed to be colored contacts. Maybe that was a theme she had going. Pearl couldn't find it in herself to ask.

 

“Hey there.” She greeted Pearl with a sly grin and a dainty hand caressing the sitting woman’s shoulders.

 

“Would you like a dance?” The next question was whispered into Pearl’s scorching ear, and a nervous laugh that was far too high pitched to have been her own voice shot from Pearl’s lips.

 

Blushing profusely, she politely declined the offer and waved the amused woman away. The announcer had been beginning his introduction when Pearl finally looked back up and witnessed, arguably, the most stunning woman she had ever laid eyes on enter the stage.

 

Her dark afro reached and stretched outward with its tight curls and stunning shape. Her long neck curved elegantly into slight shoulders and a generous bust that dipped into a tiny waist and wide hips. Pearl could feel her mouth go slack as she witnessed this perfect stranger begin her routine. Legs that seemed to go for miles in what were absurdly high heels, in Pearl’s personal opinion, curled around the pole to the enthralling, low bass of the music.

 

The dancer used an upper body strength Pearl wasn't aware one could possess to arch and twist her body in ways that resembled much more of an art form than most patrons would probably recognize to call it. The sudden thought that strippers don't get nearly enough credit permeated her ever racing mind until the performer shed her long, black mesh robe. The article pooled around her feet and left her in nothing but a lacy maroon number that complimented the undertones of her brown skin in a way that made Pearl’s fingers itch for a paintbrush.

 

The woman’s long fingers gripped the pole and she used her abdomen to arch her entire body upward until she posed around the metal and brought herself around and down in the most controlled spin Pearl had ever witnessed. The execution, timing and precision were an absolute pleasure to watch. When the dancer collected her abundance of money at the end of her performance, with the help of one of the many bouncers, Pearl found herself wishing she had given up the fifty dollar bill burning in her front pocket. Two more performers came on, but no one could break her thoughts and attention away from the one woman who had performed earlier, and Pearl eventually stood mechanically from her seat and walked directly out of the club.

 

She would come back.

* * *

And she did.

 

Every night, for the next couple of weeks, Pearl returned and occupied her same seat.

The dancer she had been so enamored with performed at nearly the same time every evening like clockwork. By the third day, the stranger, whom she eventually learned was called Garnet, had begun to notice her as well.

 

Not that it would have been difficult to, Pearl supposed. One of the only women roaming around who didn’t work there, looking painfully out of place and turning down every private dance she was offered was sure to draw attention. She had nearly built up the courage to finally contribute her own money to Garnet’s performance, but by the time she talked herself into the action it was already too late.

 

She was on the verge of completing her recent pattern of leaving directly after Garnet’s performance when she felt a warm hand catch her arm. The jolt of shock that ran up her spine sent her body into an automatic spin around to see who grabbed her.

Her gaze climbed higher than she anticipated. Garnet stood, an entire head taller than Pearl in heels, with curiosity in her gaze.

 

The odd color of her eyes threw the shorter woman for a loop momentarily. One was a deep, earthy brown while the other held a complete lack of melanin that left it a devoid, pale blue. Her dark skin seemed to glow with the hazy, red tint that only barely illuminated the establishment.

 

The lights outlined her afro in a scarlet halo.

 

“Who are you?” She asked in a low voice that probably hadn’t meant to be as sensual as it sounded.

 

She raised the hairs on Pearl’s arms and neck. The London accent that lilted her words sent something fluttery erupting in Pearl’s empty stomach. The shorter woman could only stand dumbly for a long moment before finding some sense of awareness and working her mouth into an answer.

 

“Pearl—I’m Pearl Evans.” Her voice faltered a bit, but Garnet seemed to have understood.

 

“Why have you been watching me? And not in the normal way most people here do— you don't seem at all interested in our service.” The look of genuine confusion spread across her expertly made-up face sent Pearl’s stomach into knots.

 

Pearl’s blue eyes suddenly found her feet very interesting.

 

“Right… How much for a private—ehrm— meeting?” The shorter woman questioned haltingly as she fished in her pockets for money she really should have kept in a wallet.

 

Dual colored eyes watched her warily, but Garnet offered her an answer regardless.

 

“Depends on how much time you want.” The charm and flirtatious smile in her voice, likely required from her bosses, were slowly creeping back into her words.

 

“Give me the longest time you offer… keep the change.” Pearl nearly whispered, keeping her gaze anywhere but on the woman in front of her as she shoved a wad of bills toward her ample chest.

 

The burning crimson of her cheeks was even recognizable in the similarly colored lighting.

 

Garnet’s slender hands gripped the money before it could fall to the carpeted floor and a warm chuckle rang out around them that even turned Pearl’s ears red.

 

“Alright, then.” She smirked and led the pale woman off toward the much fancier back rooms.

 

The private room was closed off by two thick, heavy velvet curtains. A plush, elegantly shaped off-white couch curved around a raised portion of the floor that held a lone stripper pole. The carpeted floor beneath Pearl’s feet gave even more than that of it outside the room, and she wondered just much all of this cost out of what she had given Garnet. A bucket holding a bottle of champagne on ice sat on a side table with wine glasses at the ready. The taller woman grazed a hand around Pearl’s waist as she passed, causing her client to jolt with the electricity that seemed to pass between them.

 

“Have a seat. Relax.” She murmured lowly as she stepped upon the raised section of the floor. Pearl stood frozen for a long second before, “Wait!”

 

Garnet stopped where she stood and turned to Pearl with a quirked eyebrow.

 

“I just want to talk.”

 

The stripper’s lips parted in confused surprise and she slowly stepped back down until she stood in front of Pearl looking utterly lost.

 

“I’m sorry?” She asked, seeking clarification.

 

Pearl’s face was somehow burning even greater than before as she gestured vaguely with her wiry hands and said, “I don’t— want a dance. I’m paying to _talk_ to you, if that’s alright.” She finished in a near-whisper as she hesitantly brought her blue eyed gaze up to meet Garnet’s.

 

The taller woman seemed dumbfounded, yet willing all the same; as long as she was still getting paid, Pearl supposed. Garnet gracefully lowered herself onto one of the waiting couch cushions with a shrug and gestured for Pearl to do the same. The strawberry blonde sat with one cushion as a barrier between the two of them and fiddled with her own fingers for a moment as she tried to gather her thoughts. Garnet was patient. They must have had ample time with what Pearl had paid. The weight of the money tucked inside of Garnet’s garter belt was probably a constant reminder of that.

 

“Can you tell me about yourself?” Pearl asked eventually. This drew a single raised eyebrow from Garnet when she requested elaboration.

 

“Just about your life. Your childhood, your best memories, your worst memories. Whatever you want to talk about.”

 

Garnet allowed an amused smile to curl the corners of her lips upward a bit as she released a low chuckle.  


“Have you just paid to be my therapist?” She joked, propping her elbow on the back of the couch and propping her head up with a closed fist.

 

The cool air of the room had Pearl closing even further into herself even as she sat in her cuffed, high-waisted jeans and white turtleneck. While, on one hand, she was convinced her anemia had much to do with her icy fingers, the other hand logically told her the room was kept cool for the rising body temperatures this private room was _supposed_ to help produce.

 

“I’d prefer to call it research.” Pearl corrected her with a shy attempt at a smile that Garnet returned in full.

 

“For what?”

 

“Personal study.”

 

Garnet hummed and proceeded to answer, “Right, well, I’m twenty-two years old. I grew up a bit in South London, but mostly here in Chicago. It’s my fourth year at Homeworld University; I’m majoring in Criminology with a minor in Forensics...” Garnet seemed to search the air for anything else of relevance she could possibly tell the stranger in front of her.

 

“Oh, and I’m also a stripper. Trying to pay that tuition, you know.” She added with a lilting chuckle and wink that gripped Pearl around the lungs and forced out a nervous little laugh.

 

“And...your childhood? In, what was it, South London?”

 

Garnet smiled as she reminisced, crossing her legs against the chill creeping up her thighs.

 

“I was adopted when I was seven by my mum Sapphire, and my mama, Ruby. They lived in the States, so that's where I moved after everything was finalized, but Sapphire was from the same part I grew up in. My childhood was normal. From what I recall, I was a happy kid and teenager.”

 

Garnet shrugged and connected her eyes with Pearl’s once more, seemingly taking more pleasure than she should have in the way the shorter woman seemed to tense in response to her attention.

 

“What about you? Got any deep, dark secrets to get off your chest?” Garnet was only partially teasing, but the widening of the blue eyes across from her goaded her on.

 

“For as long as we’re going to be in here you've got to tell me who I’m spending my time with.”

 

Pearl supposed Garnet had a point, and she nodded a bit hesitantly as she searched for the right words to say.

 

“Well… I’m a writer. I paint a bit, too, but I haven't touched a paintbrush in years. I just moved here—”

 

That caught Garnet’s interest, “Where did you move from?”

 

“Maryland.”

 

The taller woman tilted her head a bit as she observed her new companion, “Why’d you leave?”

 

Pearl’s face flushing such a vibrant red under the lowlights of the room certainly caught Garnet’s attention. Blue eyes looked everywhere but at the stripper sitting one cushion away, and Pearl kept her mouth carefully shut.

 

“Hm… not paying me to be _your_ therapist, I see.” She chuckled a bit and waved it off.

 

“No worries. We can change the subject.”

 

Pearl’s breath of relief escaped through her nose as she ran her long fingers up and down the coarse material of her jeans in an effort to warm them up. Garnet stood suddenly, moving with a grace that was truly a phenomenon in heels as high as hers, and strutted over to a row of hooks on the far back wall. There hung several white robes that seemed to be made of silk lining the inside and downy fur on the outside. Garnet hooked one in her index finger and slipped it over her own shoulders before tying the robe closed. She then grabbed another and draped it over her arm, crossing back to the other side of the room and gently setting it across Pearl’s lap.

 

“You’re shivering.” She offered in the way of an explanation, taking the pale woman’s grateful smile as a thank you before the verbal response could even come. Pearl slipped the wonderfully soft material over her shoulders and once her arms were comfortably inside, she released a pleasured sigh.

 

“Oh, wow, these are nice.” She breathed.

 

Garnet laughed a bit and sauntered over to the side table with the bucket of ice holding what must have been an obscenely expensive bottle of champagne.

 

“Would you like a glass?” She offered.

 

Pearl nodded quickly, glad for the liquid courage she would need to not make a bumbling fool out of herself in front of the younger woman. Garnet somehow made the act of leaning over a bit to pour two glasses of the lovely champagne look like another art form. When she finally returned and lowered herself back onto the couch, one glass extended for Pearl to take and the other held elegantly between her fingers, Pearl swallowed heavily. The taller woman raised her glass to Pearl’s with a sly smile.

 

“To new friends.”

 

Pearl felt her face warm a bit as she clinked her glass to Garnet’s and tried not to move too quickly to gulp down the glass. Instead she sipped from it, still a fair amount, but not in a way that would immediately draw attention.

 

The warmth that blossomed in her chest and around the edges of her mind was familiar and welcome. The tension soon melted out of her shoulders while she watched Garnet take a long sip from her own glass. Pearl watched her long neck bob with her swallowing in fascination. After finishing her glass and the four others Garnet ended up pouring for both of them to split, she found herself wanting to kiss the stray droplet at the corner of her full mouth. The taller woman seemed to notice that she was not nearly as tightly wound as she had been before, and the cushion of space between them had dwindled to almost nothing.

 

Pearl, in the growing heat her body was releasing, slipped the robe off once more.

 

“Now, what were you asking? About why I moved?” She asked, and Garnet was more than happy to repeat herself.

 

* * *

They continued this routine every day for about two weeks. Pearl would come with a wad of cash tucked in her pocket, buy a vodka and tonic on the rocks from the ridiculously pretty and prone to delivering with a flare bartender, watch Garnet perform a routine that left Pearl’s face hot and her body aching, and then they would escape to that back room. Ever since their first couple of nights together, the barriers between them dropped heavily. Garnet was prone to stroking Pearl’s hair or idly stroking her skin as they talked. The blonde had a sense that it was mostly for her benefit— Garnet could very likely tell Pearl was much more relaxed and, dare she say, happy when she was being caressed. She reminded herself of a cat oftentimes around the taller woman, and she could tell Garnet enjoyed pampering her just as much.

 

Pearl would find herself curled up against Garnet’s steady form, and after several glasses of champagne the first few nights, she would play with Garnet’s fingers. After those first few times, however, Pearl needed the liquid courage less and less. More recently she and Garnet would walk straight back into the room, and before the heavy curtains were even closed behind them, she would be practically molded to her side.

 

If Garnet’s perpetual smile and lidded eyes told her anything, she enjoyed the contact just as much. It was nothing short of a miracle that they hadn't gone any further than that, though. The urges she'd had to climb upon Garnet’s lap and kiss her until neither of them could breathe crossed her mind every time she was there. No matter what she drank, or didn't drink, she couldn't bring herself to do it. Resorting herself to waiting for Garnet to make the first move ended up being the best idea for them both, though.

 

The way that Garnet looked just about ready to devour her practically screamed that she wouldn't have to wait long at all.

 

“Come here.” Garnet murmured one night as Pearl walked around the room, observing many of the pieces of artwork newly added to the walls.

 

Blue eyes dragged away from a beautiful water color painting and landed on the live art lounging across the curved couch. Long legs carried her across the room until she practically fell into Garnet’s lap. The taller woman caught her without incident and wrapped her toned arms around Pearl.

 

“May I ask you something?” Garnet husked close enough to her ear to turn it crimson.

 

Pearl’s eyes went round as she turned her head to face her companion, and suddenly those full lips had captured hers in a mind numbing caress of skin. Pearl released a small noise of deep appreciation in the back of her throat as she tilted her head for a better angle and responded in kind. Garnet nipped at her bottom lip and Pearl jolted a bit in the stripper’s arms.

 

She felt Garnet smile against her lips and retaliated by slipping her tongue into her mouth. Garnet moaned deeply and slipped her hands down until she could grip Pearl’s thighs and adjust her until the strawberry blonde straddled her waist. Garnet’s long fingers switched from gripping Pearl’s thin thighs to sliding behind and cupping her modest behind, drawing a ragged gasp from the other woman’s kiss-swollen lips.

 

They parted for a moment and looked into each other's eyes with vague senses of surprise and wonder before returning to the other’s lips with more enthusiasm than before.

 

Pearl brought her long fingers up to slide into Garnet’s tight curls and her hips ground down into the ones below her of their own volition. Garnet’s breath sounded like it caught in her throat and Pearl did the action again, determined to hear that sound one more time. When the taller woman’s breath hitched once more, Pearl pulled back with a trail of saliva linking their damp lips together still.

 

Blue eyes burned with a passion that took Garnet off guard, but to say it was unwelcome would be a lie. Their gazes locked, both pairs of pupils blown wide open, and Pearl deliberately ground down against Garnet’s hips slowly and purposefully. Without breaking eye contact, Garnet’s lips parted as her jaw fell slack.

 

The bare slips of fabric that were her garter belt and lace panties were the only things separating her from Pearl’s ministrations. This continued painfully slow, for what felt like an agonizingly long time, until it was as if Garnet’s hands burned only to pin Pearl down and fuck her into oblivion. Eventually, she surged forward and captured Pearl’s lips once more, bodily moving them until the blonde lay pinned to the couch beneath her.

 

“Is this okay?” She whispered into Pearl’s hot ear, and the answering moan of, “Stars, _please_!” was all of the confirmation Garnet needed.

 

* * *

“...Pearl.”

 

“It's not like I’m lying to her! And I told her things about me, too. There was reciprocation! Plus, I'm paying her anyway.”

 

Amethyst huffed as they sat at the little grill restaurant around the corner from Pearl’s house. She had even put her bacon and cheese burger down for this conversation.

 

“Dude, you're using her to write some profound think piece in a book she doesn't know you're writing! That's kinda fucked.” Amethyst shook her head with a slightly curled upper lip.

 

She often didn't approve of the way Pearl tended to handle romantic or sexual encounters with others. The emotional section of her brain that came with empathy and those other emotions vital to healthy relationships seemed to have gone out the window in the past few months of their friendship, long before she ever moved to Chicago.

 

“My deadline is coming up soon; I had to do _something_. I’m almost finished with the book; I’ll be out of her hair, and we can all move past this little fling.”

 

Amethyst messily wiped her hands with the stack of napkins the servers had slipped atop the greasy tray of food they ordered. Pearl nibbled on a single order of large fries that would likely be her meal for the night.

 

“Sounds like she's really feeling you regardless of whatever you're payin’ her. What do you think’s gonna happen when you finish your book and suddenly stop showing up?”

 

Pearl avoided Amethyst’s gaze as she picked up her bottle of water and drew a long sip from it while she stalled her answer.

 

“She’ll move on. I’ll move on. We’ll both be okay.”

 

Amethyst sighed heavily and dropped her head into her hands. It was plain as day that ever since Pearl had been visiting this stripper, she seemed to have been rising exponentially from the pit of depression she was in when she’d arrived.

 

She could only imagine what rut her best friend would fall into once she realized what she felt for Garnet was no shallow emotion at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has been kicking my ass for about a month now, and it's going to only be two parts. If you follow my tumblr (bakedgarnet.tumblr.com) you probably read about my list of upcoming fics that are currently in the works. If not, I'll put the link to the post below. Thanks for reading, and if you have any comments questions (with answers that aren't spoilers) or just wanna talk about this fic: hit me up on tumblr or in the comments. I'll respond as best as I can :)
> 
> Upcoming works: http://bakedgarnet.tumblr.com/post/153066623541/update


	2. Almost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weeks pass, and things change.

Eventually Pearl and Garnet’s meetings evolved outside of The Diamond Court. The next week, Pearl had suggested they go out to dinner before Garnet headed to the club for the night. The soft hum of classical music danced throughout the restaurant and tickled the back of their minds while the soothing warmth of the establishment caressed their skin.

 

Pearl couldn't help but admire the sweeping slopes and curves that made up Garnet’s body beneath her midnight purple dress; especially the shadows that danced off of her figure in the candle lit light. Pearl folded her hands atop the dinner table after they'd ordered and looked up to meet dual colored eyes that had become so familiar.

 

“I take it you like the dress?” She asked with a shy smile.

 

Garnet cracked a grin and absently ran her hands over the suede material stretched over her thighs like a second skin.

 

“It's almost as stunning as the woman who gifted it to me.”

 

Pearl’s cheeks, as usual, were quickly turned crimson.

 

“How did you get here? I was surprised when you turned down the Uber I was going to order for you…” Pearl trailed off, her bottom lip finding its way between her straight teeth.

 

“Drove. I needed to have my car with me for when I leave work.” Garnet said, holding her observant gaze steady on her date.

 

Her perpetually lidded eyes and rare lazy smile raised goosebumps on Pearl’s thin arms. There was a natural sense of leisure to Garnet’s disposition that both exhilarated and relaxed Pearl at the same time.

 

Pearl hummed and nodded. She pursed together her nude-painted lips for a moment before, “I could have taken you home after.”

 

Garnet looked at her warmly for the offer, raising her hand to take a slow sip of the glass of water sitting beside her cloth covered utensils.

 

“I’ll remember that next time,” she said as she set the damp glass back down.

 

“Do men ever follow you after you leave work?”

 

Blue and brown eyes raised to meet Pearl’s with an agitated look in them— none of it directed toward her, she was sure.

 

“I’m lucky if no one’s waiting by my car after I leave.”

 

“Should I… start walking you out?”

 

Garnet’s laugh was full and warm.

 

“I appreciate the gesture, Pearl, but I doubt your company would deter much.”

 

“Have any of them ever tried anything?”

 

“Eh, nothing I couldn't handle. Besides, we’ve got bouncers practically lined up to watch out for us. Jasper’s saved my ass more times than I can count.” Garnet said.

 

Pearl’s eyebrows twisted up in confusion, “Which one is that?”

 

“Super buff woman at the entrance around the time I perform. Hazel eyes, vitiligo, insanely long bleached hair?”

 

Pearl recalled the woman eyeing her hungrily every time she stepped through the front door.

 

“Ah yes, I remember now.”

 

“Not much danger around there, though. Too classy a place for that sort of thing.” Garnet said.

 

“What about outside of work?”

 

Garnet raised both eyebrows, likely waiting for some sort of elaboration.

 

“Like— have you ever been, you know, hurt _outside_ of…” Pearl trailed off, hoping Garnet would know where she was going.

 

Garnet didn't.

 

“Have you ever had, like, a near death experience?” Pearl asked, finally, in one rush of breath. Garnet hiked up one of her perfectly arched eyebrows and regarded Pearl for a long moment.

 

“Questions are getting a bit heavy, aren't they?” She chuckled, but it was hollow. A dark look passed over her eyes.

 

Pearl pressed onward.

 

“Too heavy for you?”

 

“Compared to you? I think I can manage it.” Garnet murmured before placing her hands flat on the table and looking at her fingers with some sudden great interest.

 

“I was in a car accident before. I obviously survived, but the other woman did not.” Garnet’s jaw clenched  as she dropped her gaze to her lap instead. The hands, once flat on the table, turned to fists.

 

“She crashed into me. Ran the red light. I know it wasn't my fault— but her daughter was in the front seat and has been laying in a coma for four years, and I live with that knowledge every day.”

 

Garnet seemed to inhale the beginning of a sigh that squared her shoulders and brought strength back into her posture before releasing the breath through her nose. She unclenched her fists and finally raised her eyes back up to her date.

 

Pearl was quiet for a long moment, a moment that begged her to reach across the table and take Garnet’s hands in hers— so she did. The warmth of the taller woman’s palms contrasted the icy tips of her fingers, and eventually they intertwined so perfectly it was as if everything was meant to lead to that action.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Pearl murmured. “How did you get through it?”

 

Garnet snorted and drew her hands back until they rested in her lap.

 

“I didn't _get through_ it. It feels like I pay for it every day; it’s not like she's around to. It's not as if her daughter can get these years of her life back. If anything, it feels like I’m living for her _and_ myself. Someone’s got to.” Garnet’s voice faltered in the end, and she blinked quickly against what Pearl assumed were oncoming tears.

 

She was starting to realize why Garnet never spoke about her feelings much.

* * *

_"We’re worried about you, sweetheart. Can you blame us after what happened?”_

 

Pearl put the phone call on speaker and set it down on her coffee table as she drew a deep inhale of smoke down her lungs. The rancid fumes billowed from between her lips to satisfy a yearning she felt tugging at her very being.

 

“I can. I told you I’m fine; I’m writing again and taking care of myself. Amethyst lives ten minutes away, and she's practically here all the time. I’m making friends. I’m okay.” She reassured her father through the phone, sitting forward with her elbows atop her knees and an exasperated expression on her pale face.

 

_“Alright, alright. Can you at least call us every once in awhile? We miss you, kiddo. Your mom, your sisters, all of us do. Send us a— what's it called— a selfie?”_

 

A laugh bubbled from between Pearl’s lips unexpectedly, “Yeah, dad. A selfie.”

 

“ _Yeah, send us one of those sometimes. We just wanna see your face, make sure you look healthy.”_

 

The worry lying beneath his words tugged at her heart, and she bit her lip against the pricking of tears at her eyes before they could make themselves further known.

 

“I will, dad. I love you.”

 

_“I love you too, baby girl. Take care of yourself.”_

 

With that, the call went dead and Pearl tapped the ash from the butt of her cigarette into the ashtray before taking another long drag from it.

 

Her journal sat where it had always been on the corner of the table. She had been avoiding the damned thing for weeks, and finally she reached over and snatched it up. Her eyes scanned frantically over the pages and tracked the devastating recount of her declining mental health spanning a couple of years.

 

Her suicide note sat unread by any other eyes somewhere toward the end of the journal.

 

Every page after it was blank.

 

A small cry tore its way up her chest after closing the the book back up. Her thin fingers pressed hard against the cover as if that would keep all of the demons written inside from ever escaping again.

 

She put the cigarette out and tossed the thing in the ashtray with a bitter laugh. Some cosmic joke that she would end up killing herself slowly with cigarettes after everyone had gone through hell to keep her from taking her life the quicker way.

 

And for what?

 

For another book to become a best seller?

 

For her family?

 

Amethyst?

 

 _Garnet_?

 

The thought of the other woman only seemed to spur her tears onward. There Garnet was in all of her glory— self assured, poised, beautiful in every way. Garnet who lived for both herself and that dead woman’s comatose daughter while Pearl could barely justify seeing tomorrow.

 

In fact, the only thing keeping her excited about seeing another day was the knowledge that she would see Garnet.

 

And perhaps she wasn't living _for Garnet_ , but rather she was living for the idea that Garnet stood for.

 

She was love in every sense of the term.

 

Pearl almost thought she could live for love.

 

It was the only thing that made sense to stick around for.

* * *

“So this is where the great Garnet rests her pretty head.” Pearl mused quietly, coaxing a warm laugh from the tall woman locking the door behind them.

 

“The charm’s lyin’ on _thick_ today. You're gonna make me think you want something from me.” Garnet said, a playful smile on her full lips that drew Pearl up to her tip-toes to capture them with her own.

 

Garnet’s long hands found their way to Pearl’s tiny hips and pulled the pale woman flush against her body.

 

“I can't be extra nice to you today?” Pearl asked.

 

Garnet smoothly spun her around until her back was pressed tight against the taller woman’s front. Strong arms wrapped around Pearl’s waist from behind and Garnet pressed warm kisses to the side of her neck.

 

“Only if you promise to answer some of _my_ questions today, too.”

 

She watched the side of Pearl’s face and the rise of her bottom lip to nestle between two rows of straight teeth.

 

“...Deal.” She agreed reluctantly, and Garnet felt her lips curl into a smile without her permission.

 

She guided her guest through her amazingly organized apartment and into the living room. They stepped onto the hardwood floor of a room with high ceilings and lavender walls. Three mid-sized mirrors hung a perfect three inches apart from each other above the couch for decoration. The couch was a lovely, deep purple that looked every bit as expensive as it was.

 

Garnet lowered the both of them onto the couch so that Pearl came down with her and onto her lap. The smaller woman turned her body sideways to curl up in Garnet’s arms, and Garnet held her even tighter.

 

“What do you want to know?” Pearl asked into Garnet’s warm neck with a far too heavy sigh.

 

The other woman chuckled in response to her exasperated attitude, “Well, firstly, when the hell did you get so dramatic?” she joked.

 

Pearl groaned and moved to hit at some part of the taller woman’s shoulder, but Garnet caught her wiry hand and interlocked her own with it instead.

 

“Just ask about the suicide attempt already. I know that's where you're headed with this.” Pearl mumbled from the crook of Garnet’s neck.

 

The taller woman stilled for a moment in surprise before pulling her head back a bit to see Pearl’s face.

 

“It's not just ‘the suicide attempt,’ Pearl. I want to know about _you_ , and if the moment you decided you wanted to take your life is a part of you then we can discuss that as well.”

 

Pearl’s face peeked up a bit from where she tried to bury it in the other woman’s shirt, and Garnet was met with two sad, blue eyes. Her chest felt a hollow _thud_ as she slowly leaned forward and pressed her lips to Pearl’s forehead.

 

“You’ve learned nearly everything about me over the last month. I just want to know you, too.” She murmured against Pearl’s skin.

 

“I don’t deserve that— I don't deserve _you_.”

 

The words were whined so forlornly that Garnet leaned back and raised her hands up to cup both of Pearl’s cheeks, forcing her guest to look at her.

 

“You deserve the universe, Pearl. Please never think otherwise.”

 

“You don't even know me— you said so yourself! How would _you_ know what I deserve? You have no idea what I’ve done— what I’ve _been_ doing!”

 

Pearl began wriggling out of Garnet’s embrace and off of the couch, causing the taller woman to try and keep her close.

 

“Let me _go_!” Pearl snapped, stunning Garnet into silence and stopping her long enough to stand up and walk toward the front door. Even delayed, Garnet was soon on her heels.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

“Home. To my house.”

 

“Can we talk about this? Please?” Garnet pleaded, mismatched eyes reflecting the pain building in her chest and the inability to properly express the hurt and care she felt for Pearl.

 

“You should hate me, Garnet! Do you even know why I met you in the first place? Why I _kept_ meeting you? It wasn't because I care about you—I needed you for writing inspiration. I’ve been _using_ you this entire time,”

 

“You should hate me.” Pearl repeated.

 

Garnet’s heart felt as if it had plunged down to her feet. She blinked, stunned, and opened her mouth only for no words to come out.

 

“Goodbye, Garnet,” Pearl blinked rapidly against what Garnet would have assumed were tears had it not been for what she’d just told her, and walked out of her front door with a quiet click behind it that sounded far too final for comfort.

* * *

Garnet’s eyes scanned the low, red-lit, smoky room of The Diamond Court. Pearl had worked as if on a schedule all this time, and by the time Garnet was out to perform, the strawberry blonde would be sitting in that same chair— watching her and only her.

 

Except, she wasn't there.

  
For the first time in a month, Pearl was nowhere to be seen.

* * *

After two weeks, Garnet had stopped expecting to ever see Pearl again.

 

She tried to tell herself she was only upset because her constant flow of extra cash was gone alongside the vanished woman.

 

Except, lying to herself made her heart hurt— somehow even more than it did when she thought about the real reason she was awake at five in the morning, staring down an empty bottle of champagne by herself.

* * *

Over summer break, Garnet’s eyes caught a familiar name in a book store’s front window under _New Releases_ , doing a double take to make sure she wasn’t actually going insane. The groceries in her hand would have dropped to the ground had she not gathered herself enough to retain her grip on the plastic bags.

 

 _“I needed you for writing inspiration. I’ve been using you this entire time…”_ Pearl’s voice floated through the back of her consciousness as she read the hardcover book’s title: _The Girl Who Almost_

 

Written by bestselling author, Pearl Evans.

 

With a churning feeling in her stomach, and the sound of what must have been her heart cracking for the umpteenth time over the last few months, Garnet pushed the door to the bookstore open.

* * *

Sitting cross-legged on the couch in her apartment, alone, with groceries sat haphazardly on the coffee table instead of put away, Garnet flipped the book open with a gentleness that surprised even herself.

 

The pages were a crisp, untouched off-white that contrasted the pale blue and deep purple cover. Her fingers trembled as she turned past the publisher page.

 

Toward the front, on a page of dedication, rested an italicized note:

 

_For Garnet._

_Love was almost enough._

_Goodbye._

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I left this story open ended purposefully; take it however way you want. I think this is the first story I've written without a happy ending lol.
> 
> (don't worry, the others won't be the same)
> 
> Thanks so much for reading and for the wonderful comments on the last chapter! If you have any questions, comments, or just wanna talk about this story make sure you comment or hit me up on my tumblr: bakedgarnet.tumblr.com
> 
> I'll respond as best as I can :)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been kicking my ass for about a month now, and it's going to only be two parts. If you follow my tumblr (bakedgarnet.tumblr.com) you probably read about my list of upcoming fics that are currently in the works. If not, I'll put the link to the post below. Thanks for reading, and if you have any comments questions (with answers that aren't spoilers) or just wanna talk about this fic: hit me up on tumblr or in the comments. I'll respond as best as I can :)
> 
> Upcoming works: http://bakedgarnet.tumblr.com/post/153066623541/update


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